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Written by Dr. J

How does it feel when you’re in a relationship with someone who continuously hurts you?  About a cool 50% of the advice I give to women is to stop talking to men that say they love them, but hurt them anyway.  Remember, your feelings only matter to you, the only thing that matters is what you do.  How does it feel when you know you don’t want to be with a person anymore, but they love you?  They love the sh*t out of you in a way that you don’t know if you’ll ever find anywhere else.  Ever had to step out on that?  That’s rough.  I been there before, it was hard, and in some ways it was really dumb.

I’ll tell you from the perspective of a dude who looked at that woman who loved me and I told her that I didn’t want to be with her anymore, it was hard, but it was something that I had to do.  The hardest cross to bear is knowing that you are going to break someone’s heart.  But at the same time, you know that you’ll end up hurting them even more and they might end up hating you.  See when you break someone’s heart they don’t always hate you, but if you stay around and just do straight ignorance, they will hate you.  And you might end up like Romeo with a bullet in your head…

And sometimes we deal with people who truly do care for us, but have those inherent flaws.  I’m not talking about Beyonce’s flaws, I’m talking about, your ex-boyfriend had a habit of slipping into anything that walked on a regular basis.  And yes, some of us dudes have been in relationships with women with kids and they still f*cking their baby daddy on a regular basis.  As long as you don’t ask me to buy nothing for your baby, I guess that’s cool.  I think it comes down to, if people really care about you, they won’t hurt you.  And the false reality that we convince ourselves we can deal with, is just that, false.

I think women deal with this more, they say things like, “He loves me, he don’t love those hoes.”  Or this really crazy quote, “Just don’t give me nothing.”  I guess if that works for them.  I don’t think anyone should be in those situations, but you know me, I don’t act like they don’t exist because that doesn’t help anyone.  We all end up strung out in relationships that we don’t really want to be in.  So yeah, I know that you may feel like the love he has for you or that you have for him can outweigh his disrespect or the bad ways he makes you feel sometimes, but it can’t, you don’t need the highs and lows, you only deserve the highs.

Real talk, I think I speak for most men when I say we get the most offended when women love us and we have given them no reason to feel that way.  I know that there is, “I love you Dr. J!” love everywhere on earth.  But when a girl looks me in the eyes and tells me she’s in love with me, or she tells me that about my boy, I’m just like “this is not going to end well.”  That’s that “hate that you love me” flow.  You get tired of women doing weird things because they love you and putting you in an awkward position where you feel like you have to do something back for them.  In my experience, you just have to do something extremely ignorant, like crash the car or suggest she smash off your homeboy.  Just hope she doesn’t say, yes.

Dr. J (@DrJayJack)

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

The Power of Association is too real: “The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

Recently in the news we found out that it may be trouble on the home front for Will Smith and Jada Pinkett, but what does that really mean?  I don’t think it really means anything to us mere mortals.  We’ve got to stop looking at couples like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle as if they truly represent Black love.  Let’s keep it all the way 100, it really doesn’t represent the majority of Black love in America.  In reality, we need look no further than outside the window of our apartment high-rise to see Uncle Scooter still think nobody peeped that he has an “awkward” relationship with his stepdaughter.  To be honest, that’s not what was so alarming about the situation to me.  What was alarming about the situation was that Jada allegedly got caught cheating on Will with Marc Anthony who was guest starring on her TNT show, Hawthorne, at the time.  Now we can have a conversation all day long about could it really be considered cheating since they are in a open relationship, but it was alarming to me that nobody said anything about the fact that Jada cheated on a Black man with a Latino man.

So I took to the internet looking for more information to write this article and I also came across this tidbit of information; Halle Berry is currently dating Olivier Martinez.  That’s the French Latin dude from the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane and Richard Gere.  You know what should jump out to you about that information?  That no one really knew about that, and moreover nobody gave a damn.  Halle and Jada want to flop around the sack with a couple Latin guys, good for them.  I wish them the best.  I remember back in high school just about every dude had a picture of Lil’ Kim from Hardcore on his locker, and every chick had a picture of Antonio Sabato, Jr.  I can’t remember one time one of my boys tripping out about that.  We just smiled laughed and kept it moving.  We were focused on Lil’ Kim, Lisa Raye and Nia Long; Antonio didn’t have anything to do with that, so we didn’t bother with it.  For all we know 75% of Black Hollywood actresses could be married to Latin or white men right now and we wouldn’t have cared one bit.

I think the reason why we don’t care is because as Black men, we don’t think you have to date us to show us that you’re Black or that you are real, plus deep down we know, “you’ll be back.”  We think you should date whoever the hell you can get to love you.  That’s the key.  Is it a case of “fair exchange is no robbery”?  I don’t think so, I don’t think a Black man says, “I don’t have a problem with you dating a Latin guy, because I’m dating a Latin chick.”  That’s a waste of time.  As controversial as this may sound I can only explain it this way:

I was talking to a guy the other day about an experience I had as a producer in college.  I used to make beats for local artists near my college.  I was pretty good at it because I had a background in music and was a student of hip hop my whole life.  So one time we were in the studio and this other producer was working there and his beats were trash, absolute garbage.  I told him one time, “Well, it’s your bass lines, they are wack, you should do this…”  (I told him what to do, but I won’t tell anyone else that again as long as I live.)  He was like, “Word. Good looking, Jay.”  Over the next few months we built a rapport and he continued to learn from me and his beats got way better.  Eventually he ended up meeting a guy at a label and he sold them some beats and I had to find out through the back channel that he never even put me on too.  I was upset because I basically held him down when his beats was wack and made him a better producer and he didn’t return the favor.

That’s literally what happens to Black women.  They feel hurt by Black men who date outside the race because they hold us down when no other race of women will hold us down.  They have and they’ve been doing it for years.  Black men don’t share the same relationship with Black women.  I think there’s a sense of dating out of necessity associated with Black men.  When they can finally date a different group, they move on and don’t think about the past.

The reason why I mention all this is because although many Black women won’t tell you this, if Will Smith ended up with Jennifer Lopez they would be very upset.  They would think, “Damn lost another Black man.”  Each time the story plays out the way it seems to always play out; Black man finds fortune and fame with the help of a strong sister only to turn around and dump her for a white woman, a little piece inside every Black woman dies.  I understand all that, but all I ask is that we be honest that this is one of those things where Black men and women, just don’t see eye to eye on.

My personal opinion?  Black men don’t care when Black women date outside the family.  So to hell with saving yourselves for Black men increase the competition.  And if I’m any type of man then I’m willing to increase competition so that I get better.  When people want to keep the competition at the same level every year, all they’re saying is, “I’m worried that if you increase the level of play, I won’t be able to excel.”  Black women that needs to resound with you.  BW have been forced to deal with increased competition from women of other races.  Black men aren’t worried about you dating other races because they don’t see them as a threat.  In my opinion, that means, increase the competition, start dating outside the race, let’s see what happens.

–

Dr J. (@DrJayJack)

You can read more from DrJ here: The Book Of Jackson

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

Jews and Gentiles, it’s been awhile. I hope u missed me as much as I missed you. First things first, let me start by wishing everyone a happy Holiday season. Whatever it is that you celebrate, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or the Chinese New Year.  The reason I haven’t posted anything recently is because these posts are inspired by alcohol induced nights, and I have been detoxing. It was a part of my end of the year self-improvement process. It was that, reading the bible, working out and not arguing with my roomate when he cooks fish. A good experience all in all, but I, my friends needed a drink. Which brings me to Thanksgiving Eve.
On this night, notoriously one of the bigger party nights of the year, me and my friends from this website threw a holiday party to benefit inner city youth around the holidays. Unfortunately we couldn’t let the kiddies in. Rahim, Duncan and myself put together a beautiful event which featured free Belvedere Intense (I’ll get back to that Smh), Stall and Dean giveaways, some models, industry folk, a girl with a platinum Mohawk etc. I arrived late because of the longest day in job orientation history. The event was from 7-12, essentially an afterwork. You know how those go, few drinks, some networking, maybe someone gets lucky in a dark stairwell.

View Pictures: ThisistheDream 1st Annual Holiday Charity Party [Here].

Anyway, I had to get there no later than 8:30 CPT. And when I walked in this “afterwork”, it was a full fledged PARTY, a dubfest at that! For those who aren’t in the know, a dubfest is where everyone is dancing with someone. I mean girls in party dresses, work apparel, leopard print catsuits, it was madness. My homie DJ Crossova had it turned up!!! So I’m saying my hellos and kissing babies on my way to the Upper Room for my free Belve. As SOON as I get off the last step a drink is placed in my hand. I’m told it’s “pineapple & intense”, but I only saw Intense. So after that cup I was ready. My main man KeV introduces me to the bartender. Here’s a tip people. Whenever someone introduces you to a bartender, WALK AWAY!!! That means that bartender is getting that person fucked up!!! Now I have nothing against a bartender who pours a lil more alcohol because they’re heavy handed. What I do mind is this particular bartender who had a strong case of heavy handed(ed)ness. If that sounds like a made up word, it is. But apparently he didn’t know when he told me “Sorry I’m heavy handeded”. Pause that if you need to. Anyway I looked at him crazy when he said “handeded”, but maybe he was smarter than he sounded. Maybe he was trying to tell me that he pours way more liquor than he’s supposed to. Or maybe he just didn’t know what the f*ck a chaser was. This normally wouldn’t phase me, reference previous posts.  But the fact that I just finished a 2 week detox, I was more vulnerable than a freshman at her very first frat party.  And then he has the nerve to say I’m not a drinker.  The mind games were out of control at this point.  So me having all the drinking bravado and machismo that I have, continued to drink these “mixed drinks”.  They were about as mixed as that nappy head jawn in junior high who told u her great grandmother is Indian. All I know is it was 9 Pm and I looked at my watch again and it was 1145. From what I hear, I was in rare form. And we did raise a substantial amount of money for the charity. All in all a good night.
I’ll leave you with this last tidbit. The year is coming to a close so I would like to extend a challenge to you all. One of my fellow writers, Duncan always tells people to keep it real, no matter the situation or consequence. I challenge you, yea you reading this while your coworker is squinting at your screen so they can snitch. The next time you speak to someone, tell them how you really feel about them. It’s such a cleansing experience. Coming from a person who just recently detoxed, those are powerful words. Be blessed.

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

by 1Bad_AzZ_WRiTER

Whether you are a Mom or Dad, in a conventional family or single setting chances are, you are thinking about your children 23.5 hours of the day.  Besides their physical and psychological development and financial stresses that are hoisting themselves on your shoulders daily, their social growth & development should have just as much bearing.  

Children need to experience as much as possible early in life.  Playing sports, instruments and travelling all give them the opportunity to learn scheduling and hard work.  This isn’t new, we all know this – It creates avenues for them to be around a lot of kids with different ideas & talents and of course they are more likely to be a functioning member of society and stay out of trouble. 

I’m so tired of hearing people say that any little mistake a parent makes is considered “the ghetto way of raising kids”.  No matter what your race, creed, color etc…  The possibility that your simply practicing bad parenting habit’s is high, and that doesn’t mean you’re ghetto, it means you’re inconsiderate of your children’s development. 

Your child lives & breathes F-U-N!
It drives me out of my mind – crazy to see parents yelling and fussing at their kids for things kids are supposed to be doing like, jumping, running, playing, dancing, singing, laughing, eating, BREATHING!  Things get hectic in our day to day lives, and we forget that the development of our children is important during every second their life, and everything we deny them is something they will remember for the rest of their lives.  Don’t you?  Kids are excited and eager to have your attention, sometimes they don’t even necessarily want you to play with them – they may just want you to watch them play, really watch – not be on the phone, cleaning, doing laundry just watch them, if you notice they look at you to see if your watching.  They ask you questions and learn from your action.  They want to be acknowledged as people.  If you push your kids off all the time they will eventually get tired of asking and decide to learn on their own.

Papi, Papi, Papi…
I remember as a child when I would jump up and down grabbing my father’s arm screaming “Papi, Papi, Papi” he would stop in his tracks (even while talking to an important ‘big person’); kindly remind me to say “excuse me” and ask me what I needed.  He always made me feel like a person in the room no matter who was around or what was happening I always felt like the most important person in his life, and he made me feel like that. 

My kids are so fresh! 
It’s your fault that your children are all hung up on clothes, shoes & accessories when you spend $5000 on your kindergartener’s wardrobe that they are going to grow out of by April.  The pressure of going through these ridiculous lengths to keep kids up with the status quo is at its all time high – or should I say low. 

Your child has the latest Jordan’s, the finest leathers and more bling than Jacob himself – but hasn’t been tucked in or read a book in ages.  If you’re ignoring your kids when they ask you to spend time with them but buy all of the latest kicks, clothes & video games; all they will have left is; kicks, clothes & video games.   That is all they will ever deem important in their life, and they will decide at a young age that that is an expressional form of love. 
 
Acting like a child in front of your children is not cool
How can you be upset when your kids get in trouble at school when you have them around your friends and in the streets with you and around other badass parents & kids.  If you have too much attitude and not enough empathy, love, and understanding guess what… so will your children.  This isn’t rocket science.  Children are sponges so I’ll type S-L-O-W here.  Whatever you expose your children to is what they will ultimately be.  The fact is that a child can learn up to 10 languages in the first 10 years of their life, what makes you think they can’t absorb every simple thing you’ve done in front of them for the first 10 years.  I learned how to roll a blunt when I was 6 just from watching my Father, he never smoked in front of me – but Mami had to tell him to stop rolling in front of me after I rolled mud in a leaf perfectly for a neighbor.
 
You’re raising a person

A very good friend of mine, who I call “Supermom”, is wonderful at doing this.  She speaks to her daughter like a person, teaches her at every opportunity in two languages and creates an understanding and trust between her and her daughter that I do not see often anymore between parents and children.  I find her method more successful than focusing on each stage your child goes through, the goo-goo/ga-ga phase, toddler phase, school age and so on.  There is one ultimate goal here: To raise a healthy, socially functional, socially accepted, non-dirtbag child.

You, as a parent, control that by what you expose them to.  If you’re surrounding yourself in circumstances you don’t ever want to see your children in, STOP.  There is a major difference between your child having experiences and you exposing them to an experience they have no personal control over.  If a child cannot say, “stop this behavior, I am uncomfortable” then it’s not fair to put them in situations where non child like activities are going on.  I know this is hard to control, but let’s be fair to both the parent and the child here.  You know what’s wrong is wrong and what’s right is going to make your child a better person later in life.

Asking Questions

There is no more truth than asking a child something.  Children are not natural liars.  They may seem like they are but the more questions you ask the more truth will come out.  I don’t care if it’s something you heard them say that’s out of character, something you think they ate, or something more serious.  When your child expresses something to you, remember listening to your children when they talk will give you a definite insight as to what’s happening with them.  This is easier said than done, sometimes it takes come cunning on your part, but it’s as important as feeding them & making sure they brush their teeth.

Acting like a hoe, lady in front of your children

Maybe I’m too old school, but little girls should be acting like a lady, standing up straight, keeping their legs closed when they wear dresses, and not sitting on any man’s lap other than their Father.  I’ve seen women basically leave their kids alone to run out with a man.  Find just any babysitter for the night, or straight neglect their child over a man.  I’ve heard woman say that they don’t expose their children to other men other than the Father and saw those same women have multiple men around their children in both friendly and sexual atmospheres.  I’ve seen women kiss & hug & rub on men in front of their children.  I’ve seen women invite men to come into their home while their child still home.  They so concerned with getting pizzled out by a stranger in the bedroom, and their child is innocently sleeps in the next room.  Some women will do anything in their power to be important to a man in his eyes, even abandon the needs of her children for him.  We’ve all heard the horror stories, so why are you still doing this?  There are too many crazies out there and believe it or not – they are not concerned with the development of your child, or how they will perceive your midnight rendezvous. 

 Encouraging your children to fight

Life is not the MMA, StrikeForce, UFC or WWE & even though this is a huge movement right now, it doesn’t make it o.k. for your kids to be fighting in public.  I had an interesting conversation with a close friend who had a LONG talk with her son after enrolling him in karate.  She explained to him that Karate, and other after school activities are, first & foremost, a privilege and a reward for good grades & good behavior in school.  If things aren’t going well in school there is no Karate.   If you’re caught fighting outside of Karate, there is no more Karate – there is no practicing at home without a parent (not friends – an actual adult) outside of Karate.  Truth is, out of all the MMA or professional fighters I’ve met, they all say they do not fight outside the ring for a few reasons.  The first, obviously not wanting to hurt someone, the other being that it is a respected sport that needs to be practiced with much finesse.

Parents of teenager’s

As a teenager, just graduated from High School, and headed off to college, my Parents gave me a car.  It was a hooptie, but it was Red, and it was mine.  Before handing me the keys there was a list of rules I was to agree to (and sign to lol) before I could drive it.
 
1) “If you get a speeding ticket the car will be taken from you for 3 months.  Two speeding tickets – 6 months no car.  Three speeding tickets – no car.  Ever”
     Needless to say, I never got a speeding ticket.
 
2)  “No one but you is allowed to drive the car or you will not be covered under our insurance policy again. And we will take the car for 6 months”
     I rarely let someone else drive except on long trips and I confirmed it with them first.
    
3) “If you ever get caught drunk driving, or any other form of DWI, you can never drive the car again, and you will never be covered under our insurance policy.”
     The one time I got really drunk, I called my Mom, & she picked me up in NYC at 4:30am, and I picked the car up the next day. 

It makes so much sense to take the time out to pay attention to your children, to have these conversations with them, explain to them why you are doing this & lay down the law or ground rules.  Structure is all that children need to flourish, give them a path and they will make it their own boulevard, as long as you give them the right tools to build with.

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders