You ever seen the So Kodak Commercial with Drake Trey Songz, and Pitbull texting each other?  “Show Me A Good Time” playing in the background.

written by Dr J, Rahim & Ness

You know what really gets to me?  Men and their text messaging malfeasance.  I know that a lot of people believe that they don’t want to talk on the phone anymore, but you gotta manage how much you be texting other men. It’s ok to text me for a piece of quick information.  Sometimes you need to know something without the need for a phone call, but if you texts are taking up more than 10 minutes, i’m uncomfortable.  I’ll be flat out honest with you, I look at some people’s text messages and wonder if I’m the last to get the memo that this guy is trying to holla.  Let me address this real quick:

1. Smiley faces are for women, if you are sending smiley faces in your textual communication you have issues.  I don’t care if it’s the BBM disinterested face or a mug of beer.  That’s all smiley faces to me.  If you are communicating with me, use your words.
2.       Also, don’t send me any open ended messages like you are just looking for someone to talk to.  If you send me a message that says, “Yo what’s good, I ain’t talk to you in a minute.”  I do not know how to respond.  I’m not going to respond, “Nothing much, what’s up with you.”
3.       And don’t send me any messages late at night asking me where I am or what I’m doing.  There’s nothing worse than getting a message from another man at 1AM saying, “Yo where you at?”  That’s only reserved for chicks who are trying to get a piece.  When you do that, I’m questioning why you lost tonight and are hitting me up for a contingency.
4. Do not picture message me anything.  This should go without saying, but I don’t care if you finally hit your target weight in a gym bunny movement, don’t send me any pictures.  You want to send me a picture of Rosa Acosta, email me directly and attach the picture or link.  When I get a notification that I’ve received a MMS from another dude, I just delete it.

Rahim:::

You know what? I got a broadcast message from a dude yesterday that said “send a bbm thumbs up or a thumbs down if you would cuff me or not.”
I sent him an awkward “lol,” because I just knowww that shit wasn’t meant for me.
Reminds me of those facebook applications I hated because people would just click send all, and I’d have dudes huggin my wall…bad party.

Don’t you ever f*cking touch me like that, even over the internet.

 
Oh, and don’t poke me either. Why do I even have to talk about this? cuz it happens.
My bad, were talking about texting, but facebook sends texts to my phone.  #Anywaydoe,
5. Don’t send me a separate text message with the correct spelling of a word you misspelled in the previous message. I still think your dumb even though you spelled it right.   
6. Don’t add any extra letters to your words. You know who you are.
“Heyy, call meee.”
7. Write Anything like…
“No problem homey I ma just get dressed real quick and head over,” or “Lemme call you back I’m in the bed right now,” Nah, stay where you are man– and don’t call me.

Ness::::

So many great points that I couldn’t have said better myself. Dudes gotta relax a bit with this whole feminine texting style. I try not to text my dudes unless I’m asking the general “Where you at?” question.
8. Man Law – Men do not ever text “k” or “kk” after you send them a text. I can’t help but look at my phone funny after that, I’ve ended plenty of conversations cuz of this.
9.  The Run On – I get these messages when one of my boys is going through some emotional problem. Don’t think you should be texting me about that bro, I don’t need messages that are so long that they run on the next text. If its really that serious just text me letting me know you need to holla at me and I’ll call you up when I’m free. “And then this chick tells me that he’s just her friend and I’m like well I’m not paying for his movie tick…..(next message)….et and where is his girl at? I’m a grown ass man dawg this is some bull…..” well you get the point. They always wanna give you the play by play when you didn’t ask.
10.  Text signatures – This goes for men and women. But it must have been the dumbest idea for text messaging. Grown men don’t have text signatures that say “- THE BAWSE”…..cmon my dude and what makes it worse is when they use numbers instead of letters. You have to read “All I Do Is WIN” under all of em.

If you like this, read the following:

MORE TO READ:  Drunk Dialing For Dummies & You Gon’ Think I Invented Text

6 Reasons Why We Won’t Pick Up & We Let Our Thumbs Do The Talkin’

Girl, you gon think we invented text...yuuup

1. We’re not in high school anymore
Back when I was a lil’ pickney, we didn’t have cell phones.  House phones were the boo-cakin weapon of choice, and we had to share them our family members. Young lovers would lust for the chance to phone bone themselves into handheld exstacy all through the devil’s hours of the night, or until your parents heard you and picked up on of the other phones to embarrass you. Who remembers that? You’re on the phone, momma picks it up and starts dialing all over your sexy time, until you have no choice but to take your hand out your pocket & yell:

“MOM, I’m ON IT!”
“Well I need to use it so get off!”
“Awww mom.”
Yes, I remember those moments when less meant so much more.
Now that your gigglin, reminiscin’ or whatever, please note that back then:

1a) we didn’t pay the bill
b) we didn’t have “real jobs” to wake up to the next morning
c) text messaging plans costed an extra 10 jillion a month
We don’t have the same problems anymore, but let’s be real. I’m going to save us the arguement over who hangs up first by erasing the call altogether. Ima send you a “have a good night hun!” You gon think I invented text.

2. Go play somewhere, I’m busy

Last time I checked, you ladies had no love for a man who stays home swirlin his pubes. (There is a time & place for that though.) I’m the type of brother that likes to get up get out and do somethin’ I work in an industry where my blackberry stays attached to my hip, or most times via my thumbtips. Guess what, if I’m at the office, and you call me:

2a) I’ma think you don’t respect what I do…who calls people on their cell while they are at work expecting them to pick up? And unless we’re breaking bread, you can’t have my office number. The fun part about this is that my hours are so haphazard that this is pretty much unfair. Not only do I do my thang in the office, but if I’m not there, then I’m most likely at a listening event, album release, movie screening, in studio session, interview, yadda yadda check my twitter . Oh yea, and the noise level at those places is always too loud. My bad. But guess what?

If you text me, ima hit you right back. Girl you gon think I invented text.

3. “I don’t Check My Voicemail…”

Now I may have sounded like an asshole on the other 2 but somebody’s got to feel me on this shit right chea.

word to my hat you betta text me or we ain't speakin

Editor’s Note: Alright, alright. here’s what happened…I wrote this dope ass blog right, and i deleted the first half of it by accident, but this is my blog and i do what i want right? So here’s the second half.

–

drunk dialing

I know I said this was going to be short but don’t rush me.

Now I like to exaggerate in order to make points, that’s my thing.

Let’s keep it real though, you may not know what exactly you said when you called someone but you know THAT you are going to when you do, and you know WHY, and WHAT you want from them, even if its only sex attention.

Let’s Do Some Math, Bitches:

some equations

How drunk you are = how stupid you sound especially when the other person is sober.

Fun phrases
“I’m drunk so please excuse what I say from here on out…”
Ah what da fak? Please excuse everything that you wanted to say and ways you wanted to act but didn’t when you were sober? Ah yeah, NO.

“Don’t judge me…”
Aww man got to love this zany counter attack by accusing the victim of judgement.

“What time is it?”
Late. I don’t know drunk ass!
We are both on cell phones.

“What are you doing?”
This line of questioning can be kind of tricky. Depending on how the question was asked it could either be good or bad.

1- whatcha doing?

This is the person in a state of suspectness trying to check up on you, disguised by the friendly “whatcha?” When I see one of these, mi caan believe mi eye. I go into full rebellion mode, how about you? #jordanshrug

better than the #kanyeshrug

2- whatcha doing? Aka whatcha gonna do about my pumpum?

We (Men) send this version. “You still up?”

What to do:

Make plans or don’t answer it and pretend you fell asleep. We call that the “death of the ringtone” swindle. What up streetz. #awwh.

All in all, be careful what you do with your fingers when your drinkington.

Someone could get hurt.

oh you thought it was just us guys being obnoxious????

Here is my homegirl CandiedJamz:

jamz. not to be confused with jelly.

You gon' think she invented text 2.

I’d rather text than talk.

1. ET Phone Home. Growing up all I did was talk on the phone. I mean hours and hours. I would fall asleep on the phone, and the guy would be like ‘are you sleep?’ and I would say ‘no I’m up’.  I just loved talking on the phone, for what reason, I don’t know. Now, you couldn’t pay me to stay on the phone for ONE hour, let alone multiple ones. Ugh.

2. Circles not squares. I really hate circular conversations. You know the types…A: what are you doing? B: nothing. You? A: nothing, how you been? B: fine. You? It gets to be really annoying. No one wants to just hold a phone and give/get one word questions and answers. It’s corny, and an all around waste of time.

3. Mental Stimulation Verbal Penetration. I have noticed from personal experience that sometimes it’s easier to text/BBM/email something you want to say rather than tell a person on the phone or in person. That might be feelings, breaking up, business, etc. Sometimes texting is my ‘liquid courage.’

If you want to talk to me, text or BBM me. I’m more likely to answer a twitter @reply (@candiedjamz) than to answer my phone. There are are far better things you could be doing with your tongue, than using it to talk.

*drops mic*

Rahim: Thank you Ms. Jamz…and here is the visual. Ironically, our blog post came out wayyy before this video, but why hate just because they bit? It’s interesting.