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Written by Dr. J

How does it feel when you’re in a relationship with someone who continuously hurts you?  About a cool 50% of the advice I give to women is to stop talking to men that say they love them, but hurt them anyway.  Remember, your feelings only matter to you, the only thing that matters is what you do.  How does it feel when you know you don’t want to be with a person anymore, but they love you?  They love the sh*t out of you in a way that you don’t know if you’ll ever find anywhere else.  Ever had to step out on that?  That’s rough.  I been there before, it was hard, and in some ways it was really dumb.

I’ll tell you from the perspective of a dude who looked at that woman who loved me and I told her that I didn’t want to be with her anymore, it was hard, but it was something that I had to do.  The hardest cross to bear is knowing that you are going to break someone’s heart.  But at the same time, you know that you’ll end up hurting them even more and they might end up hating you.  See when you break someone’s heart they don’t always hate you, but if you stay around and just do straight ignorance, they will hate you.  And you might end up like Romeo with a bullet in your head…

And sometimes we deal with people who truly do care for us, but have those inherent flaws.  I’m not talking about Beyonce’s flaws, I’m talking about, your ex-boyfriend had a habit of slipping into anything that walked on a regular basis.  And yes, some of us dudes have been in relationships with women with kids and they still f*cking their baby daddy on a regular basis.  As long as you don’t ask me to buy nothing for your baby, I guess that’s cool.  I think it comes down to, if people really care about you, they won’t hurt you.  And the false reality that we convince ourselves we can deal with, is just that, false.

I think women deal with this more, they say things like, “He loves me, he don’t love those hoes.”  Or this really crazy quote, “Just don’t give me nothing.”  I guess if that works for them.  I don’t think anyone should be in those situations, but you know me, I don’t act like they don’t exist because that doesn’t help anyone.  We all end up strung out in relationships that we don’t really want to be in.  So yeah, I know that you may feel like the love he has for you or that you have for him can outweigh his disrespect or the bad ways he makes you feel sometimes, but it can’t, you don’t need the highs and lows, you only deserve the highs.

Real talk, I think I speak for most men when I say we get the most offended when women love us and we have given them no reason to feel that way.  I know that there is, “I love you Dr. J!” love everywhere on earth.  But when a girl looks me in the eyes and tells me she’s in love with me, or she tells me that about my boy, I’m just like “this is not going to end well.”  That’s that “hate that you love me” flow.  You get tired of women doing weird things because they love you and putting you in an awkward position where you feel like you have to do something back for them.  In my experience, you just have to do something extremely ignorant, like crash the car or suggest she smash off your homeboy.  Just hope she doesn’t say, yes.

Dr. J (@DrJayJack)

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

by Dr J.

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to grace this site with my presence and everyone should know that I’m hard at work to make a change and you’ll be seeing more of me around here.  Now that we’ve got the cordialities out of the way, let’s get into today’s post.  Last night, most of America tuned into CBS to watch the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.  I haven’t missed one of these shows in years.  I actually was blessed to make it to a show in Miami a few years ago.  The VS Fashion Show is like NASCAR racing, “It looks fun at home, but when you see it in person, it’ll totally change your perspective.  In an attempt to be provocative and not incite a riot, I made a few observations about last night.

1.       If the VS Fashion Show makes you feel fat and you go to the gym the next day, I’m not 100% upset about that. – It’s no secret that Americans have some health issues that pertain to bad dieting and lack of exercise.  I am not a fan of shock marketing or advertising, but if watching the fashion show inspires you to exercise and watch your diet, then that’s not always a bad thing.

2.       Growing up skinny and geeky, might just land you a supermodel gig. – There was an interesting segment of the show that talked about the models during their childhood.  I was taken aback by some of their childhood photos.  These were the ugly ducklings in elementary school who were as thin as a beanstalk and whose facial features took a little longer than usual to come in.  However it happened, it goes to show you that every Angel gets its wings.  I imagine I’ll somehow use this information when I have a daughter who is awkwardly skinny like her dad in grade school.

3.       Kanye West and Jay-Z’s relationship is borderline homo-erotic, but they are the best one-two punch in the game right now. – It is essential that we always take note of the music.  I appreciate the performances by Adam Levine and Maroon 5, as well as Nicki Minaj, but not as much as I did for Kanye West and Jay-Z.  For one, it was a powerful moment to see Kanye finally have his opportunity to perform Stronger (one of the best runway songs of all-time). #RIPDondaWest.  But also, N*ggas In Paris, is one of the hottest collaboration rap songs we’ve had in a long time.  We haven’t had such an awesome blend of talent on one track since Black Star.

4.       By a landslide, the two hottest women on the planet are both Latina, and both Brazilian. – As angry as this may make some of you, Alessandra Ambrosio and Adriana Lima are smoking hot.  They’ve got beauty that is never questioned and often hated on.  Here’s a retweet of mine from last night: “RT @DrJayJack: Adriana is the type of pretty that makes you not believe in God that he would do something like that to all the other women.”  I don’t know what it is in the water down in Brazil, but whatever it is, I thank whatever gods may be for it.

5.       Victoria’s Secret breeds low self-esteem but always keep in mind; there’s a difference between a standing ovation and a *Round of Applause. – On a more serious note, here was my favorite retweet from last night: “RT @DrJayJack: A Victoria Secret Angel may leave you breathless but she damn sure ain’t getting a Round of Applause. #TeamCurves.”  I’m a man, and you can take this to the bank, I like a little jiggle and I love a few curves.  Just about all men feel this way, the ones who don’t are weird and probably also like women under the age of 16.  Don’t let that fashion show lead you to the medicine cabinet for Zoloft or Xanax to deal with the anxiety that you aren’t pretty or that you’re never going to be lusted after, that’s completely nonsensical.  It’s not that most men don’t think they have a chance at finding a supermodel, they can find a Bassica on the street who is 5’9” and skinny as a beanstalk, they don’t want that girl in real life.  VS Models are cool to look at, but they aren’t anywhere near the top of the list of women we desire to be with.

*
I should end with a saying that I have come to forget at times about my posts on the Internet, “These are my thoughts, I sleep through the night.”  That means, I really feel this way and if it upsets you that wasn’t my intent, but I’m standing behind it.  I can’t wait for next year’s show, I’m sure it will be just as exciting as this year’s.  But if for only a few minutes today, take a minute to reflect on these brief observations.

Dr J (@DrJayJack)

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

Recently in the news we found out that it may be trouble on the home front for Will Smith and Jada Pinkett, but what does that really mean?  I don’t think it really means anything to us mere mortals.  We’ve got to stop looking at couples like Will & Jada or Barack & Michelle as if they truly represent Black love.  Let’s keep it all the way 100, it really doesn’t represent the majority of Black love in America.  In reality, we need look no further than outside the window of our apartment high-rise to see Uncle Scooter still think nobody peeped that he has an “awkward” relationship with his stepdaughter.  To be honest, that’s not what was so alarming about the situation to me.  What was alarming about the situation was that Jada allegedly got caught cheating on Will with Marc Anthony who was guest starring on her TNT show, Hawthorne, at the time.  Now we can have a conversation all day long about could it really be considered cheating since they are in a open relationship, but it was alarming to me that nobody said anything about the fact that Jada cheated on a Black man with a Latino man.

So I took to the internet looking for more information to write this article and I also came across this tidbit of information; Halle Berry is currently dating Olivier Martinez.  That’s the French Latin dude from the movie Unfaithful with Diane Lane and Richard Gere.  You know what should jump out to you about that information?  That no one really knew about that, and moreover nobody gave a damn.  Halle and Jada want to flop around the sack with a couple Latin guys, good for them.  I wish them the best.  I remember back in high school just about every dude had a picture of Lil’ Kim from Hardcore on his locker, and every chick had a picture of Antonio Sabato, Jr.  I can’t remember one time one of my boys tripping out about that.  We just smiled laughed and kept it moving.  We were focused on Lil’ Kim, Lisa Raye and Nia Long; Antonio didn’t have anything to do with that, so we didn’t bother with it.  For all we know 75% of Black Hollywood actresses could be married to Latin or white men right now and we wouldn’t have cared one bit.

I think the reason why we don’t care is because as Black men, we don’t think you have to date us to show us that you’re Black or that you are real, plus deep down we know, “you’ll be back.”  We think you should date whoever the hell you can get to love you.  That’s the key.  Is it a case of “fair exchange is no robbery”?  I don’t think so, I don’t think a Black man says, “I don’t have a problem with you dating a Latin guy, because I’m dating a Latin chick.”  That’s a waste of time.  As controversial as this may sound I can only explain it this way:

I was talking to a guy the other day about an experience I had as a producer in college.  I used to make beats for local artists near my college.  I was pretty good at it because I had a background in music and was a student of hip hop my whole life.  So one time we were in the studio and this other producer was working there and his beats were trash, absolute garbage.  I told him one time, “Well, it’s your bass lines, they are wack, you should do this…”  (I told him what to do, but I won’t tell anyone else that again as long as I live.)  He was like, “Word. Good looking, Jay.”  Over the next few months we built a rapport and he continued to learn from me and his beats got way better.  Eventually he ended up meeting a guy at a label and he sold them some beats and I had to find out through the back channel that he never even put me on too.  I was upset because I basically held him down when his beats was wack and made him a better producer and he didn’t return the favor.

That’s literally what happens to Black women.  They feel hurt by Black men who date outside the race because they hold us down when no other race of women will hold us down.  They have and they’ve been doing it for years.  Black men don’t share the same relationship with Black women.  I think there’s a sense of dating out of necessity associated with Black men.  When they can finally date a different group, they move on and don’t think about the past.

The reason why I mention all this is because although many Black women won’t tell you this, if Will Smith ended up with Jennifer Lopez they would be very upset.  They would think, “Damn lost another Black man.”  Each time the story plays out the way it seems to always play out; Black man finds fortune and fame with the help of a strong sister only to turn around and dump her for a white woman, a little piece inside every Black woman dies.  I understand all that, but all I ask is that we be honest that this is one of those things where Black men and women, just don’t see eye to eye on.

My personal opinion?  Black men don’t care when Black women date outside the family.  So to hell with saving yourselves for Black men increase the competition.  And if I’m any type of man then I’m willing to increase competition so that I get better.  When people want to keep the competition at the same level every year, all they’re saying is, “I’m worried that if you increase the level of play, I won’t be able to excel.”  Black women that needs to resound with you.  BW have been forced to deal with increased competition from women of other races.  Black men aren’t worried about you dating other races because they don’t see them as a threat.  In my opinion, that means, increase the competition, start dating outside the race, let’s see what happens.

–

Dr J. (@DrJayJack)

You can read more from DrJ here: The Book Of Jackson

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

Me and my boy have some of the most epic conversations ever about some of the most random topics ever.  One day we get on the topic of chicks sending naked pictures of themselves naked around and why it’s easier for chicks to do that and not for men to do that.  Comes down to this, I know most men right now have some pictures of a chick naked on his phone.  You won’t see those pictures unless he dies with his phone unlocked.  (Real Gs like myself have their phone encrypted with a password, and if you punch in the wrong one a few times, it erases everything.) Anyway, with women it’s a little different, if you send a picture of your loaf of bread to a chick, EXPECT it to be forwarded to all her friends.  They just can’t keep anything to themselves.

That got me to thinking about a few things, like how messed up is it to go through #tittytuesday and #thongthursday pictures on twitter while laying next to a shorty?  That depends on how those pictures make you feel.  Might be kind of hard to explain that tent you pitching when your girl just woke up and you’re holding your BlackBerry.  How harmless is my obsession with Rosa Acosta, Suelyn Medeiros and Laura Dore?  It’s gotten so bad that now I’m defending Rosa on Twitter to people like I knew her personally and we have all day chat sessions on BBM.  If you asked me, I’m in a full committed relationship with Rosa Acosta … in my mind.  And guess how I found that out?  I have Tweetdeck and I keep a feed of Rosa’s timeline up and one day I thought about doing the same for Suelyn and guess what?  I felt bad about that, and couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Now, this all leads me to this question, “If you’re dating a guy would you prefer that he have a virtual side piece or a legit side piece?”

Wait, think about that for a second.

Take another second to think about it.

A virtual side piece is absolutely and positively harmless.  She won’t get pregnant, she won’t give you an STD, and she won’t even flip out when you don’t pay her all that much attention.  There’s very little real commitment to the situation outside of a chat here and there, maybe a few pictures, if it gets that far, she might get the phone number, but chances are … she won’t.  And absolutely positively no man in the history of the male gender has left his main piece for his virtual side piece.  Not never.  Meanwhile, side pieces in the flesh are getting negroes #everydayb.

So why do women flip out about your virtual side piece?  Good question and easy answer.  It comes down to emotional infidelity.  The relationship is not physical at all, but the virtual side piece gets a piece of you.  Men are often accused of being horrible multi-taskers, but nothing can be further from the truth.  Men are very much capable of balancing a few pieces on the team and keeping them all satisfied with a part of him.  Most men have a girl they sleeping with, a girl they emotionally involved with, a girl they go to with questions about life and love, and then a few sisters that they have to just not be surrounded by men all the time. The conflict?  Your main girl wants 100% of you.  She doesn’t want a piece, deposit, payment, or anything less than 100%.

Now, hold up.  You know how they say, “aspirin is harmless, but if you take 13 it’ll be your last headache.” Well, yeah your virtual side pieces are harmless, but that don’t you can’t end up like Crocodile Hunter, done off because of some allegedly harmless tail.

(Anthony Weiner and Chris Lee should start taking notes now.)

1) Twitter – Many men have Plaxico’ed themselves by trying to send a Direct Message and it ends up on your entire TL.  All that to say, take your time with your DMs, I recommend using a third-party software like Tweetdeck to make sure you’re sending a DM.  No use in getting caught with a, “D @PurpleLilly81: She left, I’m getting on Skype now.”

2) Gmail – Uncheck that box that says always signed in on the login screen, go off the record with all chats and when you sign in, go to the bottom of the page where it says, “Last Account Activity” and ensure you are not signed in at any other locations.

3) BlackBerry Messenger – Go into your options and uncheck the box that says, “Save Conversations on Media Card.”

4) Text Messages – Delete text messages frequently, note that most text messaging platforms save MMS messages forever, so manually delete those too.

5) Phone Contacts and Gchat – Change your virtual side piece’s last name to yours and say it’s your cousin, or put Aunt in front of their name.

6) Pictures – Never put your face in any picture, and don’t post it anywhere public.  Most specifically Craigslist or Match.com.

7) Facebook and Twitter – Watch out for your mutual friends.  I know a dude who got caught up because one of his girl’s friends noticed he was tweeting a lot with some chick late at night and spilled the beans to his girl.

8) A Copy of the 4^th Amendment – Always have a copy around just so you know your rights in case you end up in a situation.  Most important thing you need to know, “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.” (Basically, people can’t go through your ish without a warrant, and if they do, they can’t use it against you.)

#imdone

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders

When I wrote this article, I had little to no idea how big of a hit it would be on the internet.  It was picked up by several websites and blogs around the country and readers could not find a way to ever express their feelings in just the comment section.  A lot of readers judge women in the Urban Modeling industry, they say they’re uneducated or degrading all women.  But, do you know what the biggest criticism is?  They say there’s no future in the industry; that these women will be pointless and have nothing to hold onto once their looks fail them.

Do you seriously think that these video vixens seriously think they are going to be doing music videos forever?!  Do you even think they want to be doing music videos forever?  No, that’s just dumb, it makes little to no sense.  They know that they will not be young and beautiful forever and they need to find a way to capitalize off the assets now, so they can sit on their a$$ later.  Let me first start off by saying, that similar to any profession, most will fail.  Most women that we see in music videos will move onto to other careers and never fully leverage the video vixen experience into much wealth.

But some of them will end up very wealthy… I know that burns to hear, but it’s the truth.

Jennifer Lopez, Lisa Raye, and Elise Neal, (yes, Elise Neal from The Hughleys), they all started out doing music videos.  And look at them now, they’ve made pretty good careers for themselves.  Probably the most successful of the three is Jennifer Lopez, we all know she was a Fly Girl, but she leveraged her music video experience as well as the experience as a Fly Girl into a movie and music career.

Let me tell you something about Lopez, Raye and Neal, when you look at their story, they hustled.  They hustled! I’m not the only one who notices that many of the models that we follow on twitter are in a different city and state each night, “hosting” some event.  Models can make $2K-10K, on just showing up to a nightclub.  In addition to hosting events at nightclubs, models get paid a lot of money in appearances for other events such as; trade shows, auto shows, gun shows, etc.  Some models choose to do endorsements, with endorsements ranging from as small as a local restaurant to as big as Sean John or Rocafella clothing wear.

Danielle Crawley, a former video vixen was able to leverage her experience and contacts into a Modeling Agency to provide female models for music videos.  I guess this would be the equivalent of becoming a “Madame.”  Her modeling agency was turned into a reality show, Candy Girls and aired on E! in 2009.  (And then they cancelled the show as soon as they finally let Kysha model!)

However, there are a few popular career paths video vixens follow; music, book deals, and television.  I’m not sure anybody would have thought when they saw Angel Lola Luv for the first time in the Trey Songz’s, “Wonder Woman” video, she would be dropping a mixtape or starring in a straight to DVD movie.  Karrine Steffans was able to turn a nickname like, “Superhead” into a multi-million dollar book deal.  (Remind me to tell y’all why I think Kat Stacks is a genius.)  Last, but not least, Melyssa Ford, one of the most notable video vixens of the 2000s was able to flip her music video experience into a television deal.  She hosted, BET’s How I’m Living and BET Style.

Vida Guerra and Amber Rose have been able to do something that most of the “video models” have never been able to do and that’s cross over into mainstream.  Vida Guerra was able to become one of FHM’s sexiest females in 2005.  Amber Rose reportedly has been signed to Ford Model Agency.  And if that ain’t coming up, I don’t know how else to define it.

So to me it seems like “urban models” or video vixens catch a bad rap for their chosen profession, but behind the scenes it isn’t really just a cute face and a big booty.  I’m sure we know now that without excellent business savvy you’ll end up out of the industry in just a short time.  If you have a dream of being a video vixen forever you’ll end up nowhere.  The video vixens who have a dream and a passion to use the industry to capitalize and do better for themselves may actually get somewhere.  Isn’t that ambitious?

Last thing, I’ll say here is, as I was writing this article I noticed that a lot of these women sold sex to make a profit and get access to other parts of the entertainment industry, like music and movies.  I started to think if they were better or worse than rappers who sell drugs or perpetuate violence to gain access to other parts of the entertainment industry, like music or movies.  Food for thought.

Dr J.

(@DrJayJack)

ThisIsTheDream - Never Needed Acceptance From All You Outsiders